Wednesday, December 1, 2010

and I'm not drunk, either.

Tuesday. I sat next to Nikki at storytime. She doesn't look that pregnant yet. The first time we met, she was huge, just days before Sophia's due date. It was awkward and I just wanted to get out of there but I didn't want to be rude to her. Sophia's looking like a kid.
I fell asleep with Mischa last night. Woke up at 10:30, she woke up around 11:30. Cried a lot during the night. Woke up when Josh was in the shower, but went back to sleep and we slept late and didn't leave the house all day. And today is only Wednesday.
I want this week to be over. (This month. This year.)

Made a FB friend. A girl from Something Awful. She terminated for skelatal dysplasia in 2006. Took her over 2 years to get pregnant again. Nice to have a deadbaby friend but shit, that's depressing. I already feel like this isn't the month for me.

Fuck it. I'll just wait till February and have another November baby.

Reading some posts on BBC. Kids with spina bifida. Yes, curiosity killed the cat. Oh, and I killed my baby. She could be here. She could be okay. Well, not okay. She would've had spina bifida. Surgeries. A shunt. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But, still. I can barely handle a deadbaby. How would I handle a sickbaby? And it could've been bad just as easily as it could've been good.

 At least I could talk about it. People would ask.
Some people do, of course. Plenty of people worry about me and ask how I am (although it's fewer and farther between). It's my family that is lacking. I want to say, "Hey! My baby died! I do not want to eat turkey! I do not want anything for Christmas!"

A friend says, "You look good!" and I want to say, "It just goes to show - looks can be deceiving."

What I meant to say, coming here, was:
Thursday - that's tomorrow - is Concious Parenting. I think they met a few times in July and then stopped and now it's starting again. Sara's facilitating. Even if it was Joanna, I don't think I'd go. Highs? None. Lows? Still the same - deadbaby, deadbaby, deadbaby. So, fuck it.

Computer's almost out of juice. And I am, too.