Terrie walked me out to the car after the babyshower last night.
I told her I hadn't known if I was going to make it. That I drove around the block a couple of times before I parked. She asked how it was.
I said, "It was okay."
What else could I say? It was fucking torture.
I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to play games, I didn't want to watch Rhonda open presents. I think the only thing that helped was that no one else seemed to be having a super great time either. I think it was just the mix of people maybe. A few of us with kids already and some of Rhonda's friends from high school who aren't near having kids. Or maybe it just seemed that way to me.
Rhonda sat there under her umbrella with little sparkles hanging down and I just wanted to leave. But I was sitting in the middle of the living room with Mischa.
I didn't cry. I guess that's something.
And I didn't take an ativan. But only b/c I wanted to get drunk when I got home. But then I fell asleep with Mischa and didn't wake up until 10. Josh was asleep by then, so I didn't even get to talk to him.
One of the girls there was Rhonda's babydaddy's brother's babymama - so, Rhonda's sister-in-law, I guess. Her baby is the same age as Adam. She was saying something about the more the baby's daddy denies them, the more they look like him and told Rhonda it was good that she wasn't breastfeeding, even though she did. Her kid kept trying to drink out of Mischa's cup.
It was okay. I won a prize for guessing how many candies were in a plastic cup. I won the cup full of candies.
Terrie gave me the angelbaby bracelet she got me. When she walked out to my car, she had her hand in her pocket, so I knew she had something for me. She asked if we were trying again, or actually she asked if we weren't trying and I said no, we were, it just wasn't happening. She said some things like "It'll get better" and "When the time is right" but I'll forgive her for that.
I wish she'd given me the bracelet when I first got there. I think I would've felt better. Maybe she was worried about me crying or something.
It was okay.
I guess it was okay.
