Thursday, March 24, 2011

Today I am pregnant. And maybe someday I'll have a baby.

being pregnant is not equal to having a baby.

I sent Joanna a text about a dream I had where she told me she was too busy to be my doula. She texted back that she would never be too busy for me. And then "Are you having another baby?"
I was almost 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't had an u/s yet. And that was too loaded of a question to respond to by text.
Am I? Then - maybe. Now - probably. But still. I don't know.
I never responded so she asked Susan a couple of weeks ago and Susan told her I was.
I thought I'd see her at Benny's birthday party today but she didn't come.

Saturday was Jake's birthday party

Last year I took a pregnancy test before we left for San Diego. And that was it. I was pregnant. That was Willow.
And that was it.

This occured to me about halfway through his party on Saturday. This was before Liz asked me how I was feeling. Something she hasn't asked me for 9 months.
Later she says to me, "You never told me exactly when your due date is." And I said, "I never told you anything."
Josh said that was bitchy of me.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Reading posts about prenatal testing is upsetting to me.
Had the blood draw for the AFP on thursday.

I can't think anymore. I hope I feel better sometime. Ever.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I laid in bed this morning trying to will myself to feel the baby move.
It didn't work.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

NT Scan

We parked. We went in. Waited a few minutes.
First one tech. Don't remember her name. She said she'd do some pictures and then Geneveive would come in and do some more pictures. She made annoying small talk. Asked if it was our first. I said no, so she asked if it was our second. I said, "Something like that." I think she asked if we were hoping for a boy or a girl.
I am so tired of that question.
I guess the baby was asleep. It was wasn't moving. That was freaking me out. It didn't seem to move much at all but it did end up moving some. She was finally able to get the profile for the NT measurement.
She mentioned a few things as she was scanning. The nasal bone ("nose bone," she said), when the baby put its open hand in front of its face (clenced fists can be a marker).
Then Genevieve came and did some more pics. Some more of the NT measurement. The legs, the spine, the head. She put some info into the computer. Saw that she'd done our last scan and said she'd thought we looked familiar. Then she said she was going to get Dr Steiger. At first she just put the towel over my belly, but then she said I could wipe off and sit up. The Dr was just going to look at the pictures, he wouldn't need to do any more scanning. And that was a relief.
NT was 1.2.
Odds are 1:10,000 for T21, 1:22,000 for T18.
No anencephaly. Skull is nice and round.
Spine looks good so far.
We made the appt for the anatomy scan. April 1st.


I got the pictures yesterday.
I ordered Willow's pictures on Shutterfly. Along with a whole bunch of pics of M. I opened the door yesterday and there they were.
I got extra copies of the u/s pics and the one with her hand. For my mom, I guess.
I put them in the little photo album. It's pink and says "baby girl" on the front.
Sometimes in my mind she looks worse than she really did. And I know she looks worse in the pictures than she did to me there in the hospital.

I have a cremated fetus in my living room. Sometimes that seems really fucked up. I guess it is. And now I have pictures of her.