July 13

One year ago we brought our daughter home in the smallest urn that Forest Lawn had to offer. She would've fit in an altoids tin, but I guess this will be harder to misplace. It wasn't in the catalog and I'm so glad she saw it in the listings and saw that price was lower than the big plastic one. A shoebox size chunk of plastic would've been pretty offensive.
No one will remember today. But I guess there's not a lot I can do about that.

One.

It's been one year since our daughter was born and died. (Not in that order.)
And you're not going to say a word about it.

Okay.
That sucks.

July 3

Cried alone in bed for 2 hours last night. No, I wasn't alone. Josh was there. Sleeping.

She's just a baby that was never born. Something that didn't happen. Maybe to a few people she's something that happened to us, a tragedy.
To me... She's my daughter. This is still happening. It will never stop happening. She's my daughter and she died. I will never be over this and it will never be over.

But you're pregnant again.

Her daughter was 5 when she died and her son is going to die, too. He's very sick.
I was showing her my bracelet and she asked who Willow was.
So I told her.
But you're pregnant now, she said.
And I said, yes.
But what I meant was
She's still dead. One baby or a hundred more, Willow is dead.

21 weeks

I accidently opened the "Your Pregnancy..." email I get (and delete) every week. I don't mind seeing the subject line. "Oh, hey, I'm (however many) weeks," but I don't want to see the little cartoon fetus and read advice that doesn't really apply to me.
But I was just clicking up through my new mail and there it was. A little cartoon fetus at 21 weeks. I already know what a fetus looks like at 21 weeks. Well, a dead one, anyway. I imagine a live one looks pretty much the same. But, you know, alive.

What am I waiting for?

When we're leaving the MFM office last week, I kept looking over my shoulder. DH finally told me to stop, that the Dr wasn't going to come out after us and tell us that something was wrong.

This baby is healthy. This baby is coming home with us.

What am I waiting for?

I still haven't told anyone else that I'm pregnant. I didn't tell Sandy at cake class. I didn't tell Laurie at My Gym.

Sometimes I tell myself that I'm waiting until after 21 weeks. After when Willow died and we cremated our baby. After the bad news. But why?

OB Appt.

Dr asked how I was.
I wanted to say "I'm still here."

I was nervous because I hadn't checked the heartbeat - I check the heartbeat before every appointment. (No surprises, please.)
It wasn't until Dr asked about movement that I realized - if I can feel the baby moving, I know the baby is alive.
They hadn't gotten the u/s report yet. So I couldn't ask for it.

Thumper's Anatomy Scan

It's a... baby. I know but I'm making Josh keep it a secret so I won't even write it here.

I was terrified. The tech was talkative and didn't know our history until the end when she looked at the chart. She was showing us things and telling us what she was looking for. I didn't like her. I thought we were going to have the same girl who did Willow's u/s and got the measurement for our NT.
She didn't ask us if we wanted to know what we were having, just said it, conversationally and we weren't even sure if that was what she was telling us.
I cried sometime in the middle. Watching the heart beat, I think.
She told us everything looked great.
Dr Steiger came in after she was done. He looked at some things. Showed us the face in 3d. Printed a picture. The tech hadn't given us any pics, so I asked for a few more and he printed them.
It was anti-climactic. I don't know how it could have been better, though.

We were talking in the car and Josh said Willow's name - maybe for the first time since driving home from the hospital. He was saying he'd been worried with Mischa because she was our first and worried this time, but not worried at all with Willow.

I wish I had time to write when I had time to think but those two never go hand in hand.

We're having a baby.

Today I am pregnant. And maybe someday I'll have a baby.

being pregnant is not equal to having a baby.

I sent Joanna a text about a dream I had where she told me she was too busy to be my doula. She texted back that she would never be too busy for me. And then "Are you having another baby?"
I was almost 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't had an u/s yet. And that was too loaded of a question to respond to by text.
Am I? Then - maybe. Now - probably. But still. I don't know.
I never responded so she asked Susan a couple of weeks ago and Susan told her I was.
I thought I'd see her at Benny's birthday party today but she didn't come.

Saturday was Jake's birthday party

Last year I took a pregnancy test before we left for San Diego. And that was it. I was pregnant. That was Willow.
And that was it.

This occured to me about halfway through his party on Saturday. This was before Liz asked me how I was feeling. Something she hasn't asked me for 9 months.
Later she says to me, "You never told me exactly when your due date is." And I said, "I never told you anything."
Josh said that was bitchy of me.

Reading posts about prenatal testing is upsetting to me.
Had the blood draw for the AFP on thursday.

I can't think anymore. I hope I feel better sometime. Ever.

I laid in bed this morning trying to will myself to feel the baby move.
It didn't work.

NT Scan

We parked. We went in. Waited a few minutes.
First one tech. Don't remember her name. She said she'd do some pictures and then Geneveive would come in and do some more pictures. She made annoying small talk. Asked if it was our first. I said no, so she asked if it was our second. I said, "Something like that." I think she asked if we were hoping for a boy or a girl.
I am so tired of that question.
I guess the baby was asleep. It was wasn't moving. That was freaking me out. It didn't seem to move much at all but it did end up moving some. She was finally able to get the profile for the NT measurement.
She mentioned a few things as she was scanning. The nasal bone ("nose bone," she said), when the baby put its open hand in front of its face (clenced fists can be a marker).
Then Genevieve came and did some more pics. Some more of the NT measurement. The legs, the spine, the head. She put some info into the computer. Saw that she'd done our last scan and said she'd thought we looked familiar. Then she said she was going to get Dr Steiger. At first she just put the towel over my belly, but then she said I could wipe off and sit up. The Dr was just going to look at the pictures, he wouldn't need to do any more scanning. And that was a relief.
NT was 1.2.
Odds are 1:10,000 for T21, 1:22,000 for T18.
No anencephaly. Skull is nice and round.
Spine looks good so far.
We made the appt for the anatomy scan. April 1st.

pictures

I got the pictures yesterday.
I ordered Willow's pictures on Shutterfly. Along with a whole bunch of pics of M. I opened the door yesterday and there they were.
I got extra copies of the u/s pics and the one with her hand. For my mom, I guess.
I put them in the little photo album. It's pink and says "baby girl" on the front.
Sometimes in my mind she looks worse than she really did. And I know she looks worse in the pictures than she did to me there in the hospital.

I have a cremated fetus in my living room. Sometimes that seems really fucked up. I guess it is. And now I have pictures of her.

11 week appt. Etc.

My appt was a week ago. So I'm 12 weeks today. I never even wrote anything about my other appts...

Intake: Uneventful. She said "and this is your 3rd pregnancy..." a few too many times but it was okay. Told me I'd get a viability scan that I didn't end up getting. Gave me paperwork about blood tests, etc.

First appt (7 weeks): Saw Dr, had an exam, pretty much just told me I'd get stuff at my next appt. I did get the Rx for my doppler, so all in all, it felt like a good appt.

11 weeks: Saw Mary b/c Dr was on vacation. I was very nervous about that but it ended up being okay. Maybe even better than seeing Dr. Like she kept talking about sending me to see Dr Steiger and stuff. Doppler. I was terrified that she wouldn't find a heartbeat - not necessarily that the baby was dead, but just that she wouldn't be able to find it and she'd say "oh, it's early" and I'd have to say "no, I need an u/s now. this minute." It took (what seemed like) forever. She had to go get a different doppler b/c the one she was using was too staticky. Then even when she found it, I couldn't hear it b/c my heart was beating so fast. She went between mine and the baby's a few times and then I could hear it.

My doppler came over the weekend. I tried it on Monday and was pretty sure I heard the hb. I tried it this morning and was almost positive I found it.

NT tomorrow at Steiger's.

My NT scan is tomorrow.

Josh said, "Short notice."
If they had asked me to build a time machine and come in a week ago, I would've agreed.

So I then I tried my doppler. Found what I think was the baby's heartbeat.

Took a shower and cried and cried.

All I could think was "I don't want to cremate another baby."

Last time.

At my last good doctor's appt, I declined the AFP test.
This time I'll be taking every screening test they offer me.
Before I was pregnant, I didn't know. I told Susan that maybe I wouldn't. I didn't regret not taking the AFP test.
But that was before there was another baby. (I mean, a possible-baby. A maybe-baby.)
Now I want to know everything.
I didn't decline the test because I didn't want to know or because I wouldn't use the information. There are plenty of women on the TFMR boards who thought they would never terminate. But I wasn't one of them. I declined the test because I don't like having my blood drawn, it was going to cost us money, and - most importantly - NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH MY BABY. It just wasn't possible. There could not possibly be anything wrong with my baby.
This baby... well, I just don't know. I'm just not so confident about this maybe-baby.