Thursday, April 21, 2011

21 weeks

I accidently opened the "Your Pregnancy..." email I get (and delete) every week. I don't mind seeing the subject line. "Oh, hey, I'm (however many) weeks," but I don't want to see the little cartoon fetus and read advice that doesn't really apply to me.
But I was just clicking up through my new mail and there it was. A little cartoon fetus at 21 weeks. I already know what a fetus looks like at 21 weeks. Well, a dead one, anyway. I imagine a live one looks pretty much the same. But, you know, alive.

Friday, April 8, 2011

What am I waiting for?

When we're leaving the MFM office last week, I kept looking over my shoulder. DH finally told me to stop, that the Dr wasn't going to come out after us and tell us that something was wrong.

This baby is healthy. This baby is coming home with us.

What am I waiting for?

I still haven't told anyone else that I'm pregnant. I didn't tell Sandy at cake class. I didn't tell Laurie at My Gym.

Sometimes I tell myself that I'm waiting until after 21 weeks. After when Willow died and we cremated our baby. After the bad news. But why?

OB Appt.

Dr asked how I was.
I wanted to say "I'm still here."

I was nervous because I hadn't checked the heartbeat - I check the heartbeat before every appointment. (No surprises, please.)
It wasn't until Dr asked about movement that I realized - if I can feel the baby moving, I know the baby is alive.
They hadn't gotten the u/s report yet. So I couldn't ask for it.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Thumper's Anatomy Scan

It's a... baby. I know but I'm making Josh keep it a secret so I won't even write it here.

I was terrified. The tech was talkative and didn't know our history until the end when she looked at the chart. She was showing us things and telling us what she was looking for. I didn't like her. I thought we were going to have the same girl who did Willow's u/s and got the measurement for our NT.
She didn't ask us if we wanted to know what we were having, just said it, conversationally and we weren't even sure if that was what she was telling us.
I cried sometime in the middle. Watching the heart beat, I think.
She told us everything looked great.
Dr Steiger came in after she was done. He looked at some things. Showed us the face in 3d. Printed a picture. The tech hadn't given us any pics, so I asked for a few more and he printed them.
It was anti-climactic. I don't know how it could have been better, though.

We were talking in the car and Josh said Willow's name - maybe for the first time since driving home from the hospital. He was saying he'd been worried with Mischa because she was our first and worried this time, but not worried at all with Willow.

I wish I had time to write when I had time to think but those two never go hand in hand.

We're having a baby.