Mostly we stay home or we go out alone. Maybe we'll go visit a friend. No groups. I tried going to the Baby Signs class at the library. That was after two weeks. It was awful.

Like the volume got turned up on the deadbaby static that is always in my head. The thing that makes me want to say "oh, my baby is dead." Like when the cashier at Albertsons cards me after I forgot my license at home. Sorry, can't buy the whiskey. Oh, that's okay, my baby is dead. Deadbaby static. Like everytime someone says how cute my new haircut is and I want to say "oh, I cut my hair because my baby is dead." It's been over a month. The static is turned way down, but it's still there. I guess it'll always be there.

I hope it is. I deserve something to hold on to from Willow.

Mischa's sleeping on the couch now. Josh is in the shower. Time to type. Time to read babyloss blogs. I want more books. Novels or memoirs.



The wheelchair boy I saw at the mall was at Target a few days ago. Still holding the same baby toy.



Rhonda's having a girl. I saw first her status update and then Terrie's. Then later she posted this "n 1 kick reminds her she's never alone" and I hid her from my wall. She wanted a girl but I was hoping she'd have a boy.



Susan's having a girl. And Sara's pregnant, too. I may never go back to CP. Highs and lows? High... What? I remembered to take both my handfuls of vitamins? I haven't taken an ativan all week? And lows... deadbabydeadbabydeadbaby. Oh, you have morning sickness? Deadbaby. Your baby isn't napping? Deadbaby. Nicole's due this month. Susan and JT. Sara. Too much.



I thought I wasn't going to be angry about this and I'm trying not to be. But it makes me want to puke. I don't want to hear about it.