Last time.

At my last good doctor's appt, I declined the AFP test.
This time I'll be taking every screening test they offer me.
Before I was pregnant, I didn't know. I told Susan that maybe I wouldn't. I didn't regret not taking the AFP test.
But that was before there was another baby. (I mean, a possible-baby. A maybe-baby.)
Now I want to know everything.
I didn't decline the test because I didn't want to know or because I wouldn't use the information. There are plenty of women on the TFMR boards who thought they would never terminate. But I wasn't one of them. I declined the test because I don't like having my blood drawn, it was going to cost us money, and - most importantly - NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH MY BABY. It just wasn't possible. There could not possibly be anything wrong with my baby.
This baby... well, I just don't know. I'm just not so confident about this maybe-baby.

ticker time.

it's just not.

Here's why you can't say everything's going to be okay:
It's too late for that.
Even if everything is okay for the rest of our lives, it already isn't. It already happened.

telling Josh.

I decided I couldn't wait. I felt like the secret joy was bubbling out of me.

I took the hpt from tuesday and taped it into a Christmas card and brought it out into the living room.
Can I give you an early Christmas present?
If you have to, he said.
So I hand him the card. He looks at it. Opens it and looks some more.
Are you pregnant? he says. That's two lines? Are you sure? He's not happy. He's not excited. Cool, he says.
And then he says, You get so frustrated with Mischa. Do you even want another baby?
So I reacted to that.
And then he gets up and goes into the kitchen and tells me not to get mad at him. And it goes on and on. He's not suprised, he says. Every month he's expected me to tell him that. He knew it was going to happen, he says. I didn't. He asks if I thought I was just ruined forever. Yes, I tell him and I cry and he holds me but still. He keeps talking and talking. And he pops every little bubble inside of me and by the end of night I wish I hadn't even told him.

Christmas.

Susan came over yesterday to give Mischa her present.
She told me that since she knew I didn't want any presents, she made a donation to March of Dimes in Willow's name.

I hate everyone else.

So I told Josh last night. It didn't go as well as I hoped.
I took a test and taped it inside a Christmas card.
I wanted him to do something. To be happy and excited.
Cool, he says but then he asks if I even want another baby and  he doesn't even hug me.
From there it just gets worse.
In the end I felt like I'd been crushed beneath his heel and when I woke up this morning my eyes were still swollen from crying.

He did use the phrase "the baby in your belly" a few times.

I wanted something better.

4 weeks, 1 day.

I told Josh last night. It didn't go how I wanted it to.

POAS this morning. Still pregnant.