I am a face. Again.

Willow was born on July 4th, 2010. My second daughter. I was 21 weeks pregnant.

On Tuesday we went for an ultrasound. Maybe something was wrong. But maybe not, the nurse said.
On Wednesday we went for another ultrasound. There are some problems, the doctor said. Spina bifida. Hydrocephalus. Club feet. Brain damage, the doctor said. "Not mild."
On Friday we went to the hospital and I was induced.
On Sunday she was born. She had already died. We held her. We named her. We let her go.

I had a dream last night...

I had a dream that I was in a bar in Sutter Creek drinking Midori sours.
I was talking to an ex-boyfriend and he was asking how many kids I had.
"Scientifically," I said, "I have two."
"I mean... I've had two babies."

certified.

The fetal death certificate came today.
It doesn't have my middle name on it. That bothers me.
But it does have Dr Bernard's signature on it.
I think if it weren't for that, it wouldn't have made me cry.

WILLOW. Sometimes I whisper her name but I never say it out loud.

things people say...

What do I care what Kevin Nealon says on some podcast? Oh, he'd have his babies even if they were coffee pots. He doesn't even know what a coffee pot is.

This is how it began

I found out I was pregnant on March 13th. I was shocked. I had taken a pregnancy test about a week earlier and it had been negative. I started crying and asked Josh if he wanted to have a baby. He told me that he thought that was what we were trying to do.

I am a face.

I am the face of termination for medical reason.

June 30th. The waiting room of the matenal fetal medicine center at Desert Regional Hospital. I read some of my baby food book to see if it had any good snack recipes for Mischa.

I can't remember how I felt during the ultrasound. I remember seeing the cyst but that's all. I remember thinking it shouldn't be there but telling myself I didn't know. I knew.
I saw it. I knew.

I remember joking to Josh that we should make out when the tech went to get the doctor.

I remember hoping the doctor just had a serious face and that it wasn't b/c our baby had serious problems.

I forget what the doctor said. "They are some problems." I think that's what it was.

spines.

JT posted u/s pics on facebook. The baby's perfect little spine. Spines kill me.

I want my baby back.