11 week appt. Etc.

My appt was a week ago. So I'm 12 weeks today. I never even wrote anything about my other appts...

Intake: Uneventful. She said "and this is your 3rd pregnancy..." a few too many times but it was okay. Told me I'd get a viability scan that I didn't end up getting. Gave me paperwork about blood tests, etc.

First appt (7 weeks): Saw Dr, had an exam, pretty much just told me I'd get stuff at my next appt. I did get the Rx for my doppler, so all in all, it felt like a good appt.

11 weeks: Saw Mary b/c Dr was on vacation. I was very nervous about that but it ended up being okay. Maybe even better than seeing Dr. Like she kept talking about sending me to see Dr Steiger and stuff. Doppler. I was terrified that she wouldn't find a heartbeat - not necessarily that the baby was dead, but just that she wouldn't be able to find it and she'd say "oh, it's early" and I'd have to say "no, I need an u/s now. this minute." It took (what seemed like) forever. She had to go get a different doppler b/c the one she was using was too staticky. Then even when she found it, I couldn't hear it b/c my heart was beating so fast. She went between mine and the baby's a few times and then I could hear it.

My doppler came over the weekend. I tried it on Monday and was pretty sure I heard the hb. I tried it this morning and was almost positive I found it.

NT tomorrow at Steiger's.

My NT scan is tomorrow.

Josh said, "Short notice."
If they had asked me to build a time machine and come in a week ago, I would've agreed.

So I then I tried my doppler. Found what I think was the baby's heartbeat.

Took a shower and cried and cried.

All I could think was "I don't want to cremate another baby."

Last time.

At my last good doctor's appt, I declined the AFP test.
This time I'll be taking every screening test they offer me.
Before I was pregnant, I didn't know. I told Susan that maybe I wouldn't. I didn't regret not taking the AFP test.
But that was before there was another baby. (I mean, a possible-baby. A maybe-baby.)
Now I want to know everything.
I didn't decline the test because I didn't want to know or because I wouldn't use the information. There are plenty of women on the TFMR boards who thought they would never terminate. But I wasn't one of them. I declined the test because I don't like having my blood drawn, it was going to cost us money, and - most importantly - NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH MY BABY. It just wasn't possible. There could not possibly be anything wrong with my baby.
This baby... well, I just don't know. I'm just not so confident about this maybe-baby.

ticker time.

it's just not.

Here's why you can't say everything's going to be okay:
It's too late for that.
Even if everything is okay for the rest of our lives, it already isn't. It already happened.

telling Josh.

I decided I couldn't wait. I felt like the secret joy was bubbling out of me.

I took the hpt from tuesday and taped it into a Christmas card and brought it out into the living room.
Can I give you an early Christmas present?
If you have to, he said.
So I hand him the card. He looks at it. Opens it and looks some more.
Are you pregnant? he says. That's two lines? Are you sure? He's not happy. He's not excited. Cool, he says.
And then he says, You get so frustrated with Mischa. Do you even want another baby?
So I reacted to that.
And then he gets up and goes into the kitchen and tells me not to get mad at him. And it goes on and on. He's not suprised, he says. Every month he's expected me to tell him that. He knew it was going to happen, he says. I didn't. He asks if I thought I was just ruined forever. Yes, I tell him and I cry and he holds me but still. He keeps talking and talking. And he pops every little bubble inside of me and by the end of night I wish I hadn't even told him.

Christmas.

Susan came over yesterday to give Mischa her present.
She told me that since she knew I didn't want any presents, she made a donation to March of Dimes in Willow's name.

I hate everyone else.