Thanksgiving.

On Thursday we had our little Thanksgiving, just Josh, Mischa and me. It was nice. I lit a candle in Willow's candle holder for a little bit.
Friday we went to the in-laws. There was a birth announcement sitting on their counter. I kept flipping it over but someone kept turning it back around.
I already didn't want to be there.
Then the night ended with Josh getting in a big fight with his mom and we left.
Saturday my sister-in-law and family were coming. I dropped Josh and Mischa off over there and went shopping for a few hours, then I went over there.
Flipped the birth announcement over.
Had Thanksgiving dinner. Sat down and saw the birth announcement was turned around again and it was directly across from where I was sitting.
It was an okay weekend, I guess. It's over now and I'm glad. Not looking forward to Christmas.
His mom had called me about a bedroom set she'd seen advertised in the fitness center there. I took down the number but didn't call. Then Josh said I wouldn't have liked it anyway, it wasn't what we wanted. So she asked if we wanted a headboard for Christmas. I just said no.
I want nothing for Christmas.
Also, I refused to take any leftovers home.

her name.

Her name is also a word. So I run into it other places. The most commen usage being Willow Creek. There's a place near my parents called Willow Creek. Willow Creek Road. The old Willow Creek schoolhouse.
Of course, the trees. Not common here, but there are Desert Willows at the zoo.
And Sarah Palin's daughter is named Willow. The cover of the National Enquirer today - Willow Palin's pregnancy scare. "She's only 16!" it said over the picture. Sarah Palin is one of my least favorite people. But I really like the name Sarah, too. Oh well.

I found the list of baby names I was making when I was pregnant. Willow is on it, of course, although I wouldn't have used it for a living baby.
Another name that made the list - Anemone. I don't know what I was thinking.

I was thinking about Leslie. Her baby was named Jake. I wonder if that will be hard for her that it's such a common name.
I should call her and see how she's doing.

still.not.pregnant.

I don't want to look at anymore positive pregnancy tests.
I don't have one and I don't want to see anyone else's.
Sour fucking grapes.

Approaching 5 Months.

Very soon my baby will be dead longer than she was alive.
Does that mean I'm supposed to be over it?

Weekends.

Saturday night.
I came out of Mischa's room and Josh was already in bed. A light was on in the kitchen and the sliding glass door was still open, so I went to close them.
And a candle was lit in Willow's candle holder.
I blew it out and went into the bedroom.
"You left a candle on," I said. He was already half asleep.
"Oh, I thought you'd get it."
"Yeah. I did," I said.

But I never know what anything means.

Saturday before Mischa went to bed -
I forgot to take my bracelet off. The purple one I made with the beads I bought for my DDC birth bead swap. So I took it off sitting on the floor with her and she wanted to pretend it was a baby snake. It was sitting on the floor between her chair and her potty when I took her in for a bath.
Sunday morning, I go to pick it up and it's gone.
"Did you pick up my bracelet? The purple one? It was on the floor right here." He just looks at me. He never knows what I'm talking about anymore.
"If it was on the floor, I picked it up," he says. But he doesn't remember. He doesn't know where he put it.
A bracelet with purple beads. He has no fucking idea.
And now it's just gone. Is it in the toys? Did the cat take off with it. No idea. I can't find it. It's missing.
Yesterday we went to the zoo and I wore a pullover sweatshirt, so I didn't bother to wear my watch or my necklace but now I need my jewelry.
So I guess I'll get a flashlight and start dumping out some toys. I wanted to look last night but, again, he was in bed when I got out of Mischa's room and I didn't feel like being up by myself or leaving him in bed alone.

fuck Holidays.

Sitting at the mall with Susan and baby Katie. She's telling me about Shaun's grandma asking if Katie had a Christmas dress.
A few minutes later she apologizes for talking about Christmas dresses.
It's okay, I say. I hadn't even thought of it.
Then she apologizes for bringing it up.

I pulled Mischa's Christmas stocking out the other day. "Baby's First Christmas" it says. I guess she can use it again this year.

There will be other babies. There will be other Christmases.
But fuck this year.
This year I just don't want to do it.

FedEx brought Gerbera Daisies.
Signed Hugs, Michelle and Quint.