Took Mischa to the park this morning.
Pushing her on the swing, I thought, "Willow never could have done this."

grief.

I feel very alone in my grief.
No one else knew Willow.
No one I know has been in this situation.

I held my baby in my arms. She is so very gone now.

Talked to Susan yesterday. Told her exactly what happened.

Had my teeth cleaned yesterday afternoon. Had to tell the hygenist that "I was recently pregnant" because my gums were bleeding a lot.

Last night I had a regular nightmare. I've been having bad/sad dreams about being pregnant, but this was just a regular nightmare.

nothing & nothing & nothing

I took Willow's urn out today. Just to hold it in my hand. It feels so light, like it's made out of nothing and there's nothing inside. I would open it if I knew how. I guess you're not supposed to. So I just hold it and turn it over in my hands and look at the label on the bottom where it says her name and age - Willow Goodman, baby.

I asked Josh if he was still sad about the baby. He said, "In different ways." I don't even know what that means.

I just want to be left alone sometimes.
Everything is irritating me today.
Now everyone else is asleep and I can finally do whatever I want... but I don't feel like doing anything anymore.
I guess maybe I'll take an ativan and go to bed.

Physically.

I'm okay. My hair is falling out in handfuls. My skin has cleared up. It's been two days of no bleeding. I had a really bad cramp last night and I was worried that I was going to start bleeding again but so far I haven't. My milk never came in.
It's like I was never pregnant. That is so fucked up.

I cried last night for Willow.
She's gone.
Whatever she was, now she's gone.